Friday, April 25, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
sometimes....
I wonder why I even wake up in the morning.what's my purpose? why I am I here and am I even needed?...if I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger or got in my car and drove a million miles away from everyone and everything,would I even be missed? would anyone even notice?
The last 3 years of my life have been a complete joke! Everytime I thought things would get better,BAM! I get fucked!,..kinda like when Charlie Brown would try to kick the football and the one girl kept pulling the ball out of the way and on his ass he went ...Just felt like my life was a bad movie where ya have to laugh at how bad this persons life took a turn for the worse in the blink of an eye and keeps getting worse! one thing after the next! a complete downhill,...not from drugs,not from alcohol,not from gambling,but from Depression! you'll never know how powerful it is 'til your completely submerged in it.
Things were going well for me in '05, had a house, had a 60k+ a year job,had a kick ass girlfriend,was working out and lost 70 pounds in 6 months,had a nice car,had a smile on my face....then everything went downhill,...Started with my Gramma who raised me since I was 8 past away. all the stress of seeing her the way she was and slowly getting worse,having been her Power of Attorney medically, I had to be there at all times,had to take time off of work because she was more important to me than anything else in this world.She sacrificed so much to raise me and to see I came out a decent human being; and I feel I have.I had to make the decision of Hospice,which in most ways I don't like the thought of,mostly the idea of having to hold her hand while she was drugged into a coma and knowing whatever words I said to her prior would be the last words she would ever hear from me and the same for her,...its hard to sit by someones side holding their hand;waiting to take her last breath,cant tell you how hard that was.
I paid for her funeral,its a haunting feeling to have to be the one who went to see a funeral home and have them click on a light to a "showroom" of coffins and I have to do the job of picking one out for someone I loved dearly who was still alive and moments from death.from there everything went downhill,..my Girlfriend dumped me on the night of my Grandmothers Wake!! as pissed off as I was and felt nothing but rage for her doing so at a complete low point of my life and having to sit through the shock of it all;I feel bad for my actions saying things to hurt because it was a typical situation " I'm hurt and I want you to hurt with me" kinda thing,it was a short relationship that at first I didn't take seriously or jump into running cuz I've been burned so many times before.but I saw possiblities of being a long lasting one,she was the kind of girl I had always wanted;someone who I got along with very well.it wasn't til later as my head began to clear that I really regretted so much.Her Grandfather past away just days before my Grandmother and I know she was going through as much mental stress I was.Out of everyone I've dated (and I've even dated someone for 7 years), I think about her the most,..just feeling I had it all,and now its gone,and her memories of me are of being a selfish hurtful bastard for what I had said out of rage.
So from there,still went downhill,..weeks later I lost my job of 11 years due to Depression and not showing up.I couldnt keep a stable thought in my head,...just wake up and stare at the wall wondering "what do I do now"? I felt lost after losing my Gramma,I mean she raised me since I was 8 and was my everything til I was almost 30. so then after 2 months of only driving back and forth to and from the Hospital daily to see her,and I never noticed my license plates had expired,...got pulled over and oh look,..my insurance expired one week ago as well!,.. had to go to court, tried to explain why things were the way they were,.. they didnt care,they made me get SR22 insurance...from the court house I went straight to my insurance company,..told them what was going on,... signed some shit and thought it was all taken care of....
Welp,a month or so later went to pick up my drunk roommate at 6 am at someones house,I get pulled over for no front plate on my car....they look at my license and find out its been suspended! I got arrested and thrown in jail! why?,...my insurance agent never followed through with the SR22 insurance!,.. sooooo,.. I lost my license for 3 months,... 3 months sitting in the house,not being able to get to the gym,not being able to do much of anything at all.So THE DAY of my court date to get my license back,my foot begins to start swelling up!,..Hmm,. guess what? yes thats right,a fucking Blood Clot!!!! the moment I start to get some of my sanity back getting my license back, something else has to take its place! so I went a year of being in and out of the Hospital;not knowing if this thing is going to break loose and kill me at any given moment ( like Blood Clots do)
Dealing with that,one night while still dealing with the Blood Clot I slip on ice,dislocate my knee and tearing my LCL! (and STILL dealing with it to this day!) I was bedridden for 2 days before I could even feel stable enough to even swing it off the bed to even sit up,luckily my roommate had some crutches in the house and used those to prop myself up on.So one fucking thing after the next!!! when the fuck am I going to have a break from nonstop cycle of shit going on in my life!?!?! just as one thing gets better, something else is to follow!! after my Gramma past away my Cousin said to me after seeing all the tings I had to go through and do for my Gramma that "When one door closes,Another door opens",.. basically for everything bad that happens,something good is always to come,...welp,... I can tell you all those doors have been locked!! nothing but a string of events that seem never ending ( and I'm sure I'm forgetting most of them now)...
I've gotten to points of Suicide,took sleeping pills and alcohol on Thanksgiving of '06. and a few months ago had a melt down and locked myself in the bathroom.my roommate knows I've been dealing with Depression and had suspisions I was suicidal,..when I wouldnt answer him while sitting in the bathroom he unlocked the door to find me sitting on the toilet with blood dripping down my arm. I had begun to slice my arm,.. he either came at the right time or the wrong time depending on how you look at it,..I was trying to pshyc myself up enough to drag that razor from my forearm to my wrist,it wasnt the way I wanted to go seeing as though I'm a pussy when it comes to pain. He and I had a talk and it was the first time I had ever seen him cry,and I began to cry as we talked because I knew I was a friend he might lose.people tend to not think about the people around them when trying to commit suicide,.. just think about themselves and wanting to escape and find peace,even if that peace meant dying to let it all go.
I watched my life crumble since '05 'til now,...everything seems like such a blur to me,.. where did those 3 years go? how could I have been trapped in my own head and never had an opportunity to open my eyes to the world around me?,..instead I feel I've lost 3 years of my life that I don't even remember living.I've let my life turn to shit before my eyes and never once took notice everything would continue to get worse if I let it.took me 3 years to realize things will only get better only as long as I let it and work towards it instead blaming myself for letting myself and life down.My friends have known I'm not the same person they knew prior,..they could see I was in my own vortex of emotions,the person who used to make them laugh now sometimes never had a reason to even speak a few words to anyone.
I'm slowly taking actions on getting my life back,I'm sick of feeling worthless,feeling like my life will continue to keep getting worse and now know if I don't do anything about it,..it will! it takes your life hitting rock bottom before you can look back and feel I've lost everything,...accept it! I'm alive an thats all that matters. I finished reading a book a friend suggested "How to Practice : The Way to a Meaningful Life" by The Dalai Lama, it's really helped me look at life a different way...its all pretty relevant way of thinking but when you're so clouded with depression you really don't think about it...it's really helped me get out of an ongoing abuse on myself mentally and getting my mind cleared and ready for lifes new adventure. instead of feeling sorry for myself ; I'm doing something about it. started going out for walks ( to help shed the pounds I've gained from not being very mobile since the blood clot and knee injury and to strengthen my injured knee),.. I'm eating better ( thanks to Trader Joes ;) ) and just trying to live life a little more positive than I have,.. I can either sit and feel hopeless and watch time pass me by and that blur of 3 years that past that I don't remember will end up 20 years down the road and I'll wanna know what happened...I don't wanna live my life like that anymore.
why am I saying all this? who knows?,....do I want someone to feel sorry for me? no. Do I care if anyone reads this? not really,...but I think if I just get this out of my head and put away somewhere else I can help forget and move on and see life worth waking up another day to.Friends keep telling me " We want the old Cori back",..I'm just trying to atleast do it for them,..one small step at a time.
The last 3 years of my life have been a complete joke! Everytime I thought things would get better,BAM! I get fucked!,..kinda like when Charlie Brown would try to kick the football and the one girl kept pulling the ball out of the way and on his ass he went ...Just felt like my life was a bad movie where ya have to laugh at how bad this persons life took a turn for the worse in the blink of an eye and keeps getting worse! one thing after the next! a complete downhill,...not from drugs,not from alcohol,not from gambling,but from Depression! you'll never know how powerful it is 'til your completely submerged in it.
Things were going well for me in '05, had a house, had a 60k+ a year job,had a kick ass girlfriend,was working out and lost 70 pounds in 6 months,had a nice car,had a smile on my face....then everything went downhill,...Started with my Gramma who raised me since I was 8 past away. all the stress of seeing her the way she was and slowly getting worse,having been her Power of Attorney medically, I had to be there at all times,had to take time off of work because she was more important to me than anything else in this world.She sacrificed so much to raise me and to see I came out a decent human being; and I feel I have.I had to make the decision of Hospice,which in most ways I don't like the thought of,mostly the idea of having to hold her hand while she was drugged into a coma and knowing whatever words I said to her prior would be the last words she would ever hear from me and the same for her,...its hard to sit by someones side holding their hand;waiting to take her last breath,cant tell you how hard that was.
I paid for her funeral,its a haunting feeling to have to be the one who went to see a funeral home and have them click on a light to a "showroom" of coffins and I have to do the job of picking one out for someone I loved dearly who was still alive and moments from death.from there everything went downhill,..my Girlfriend dumped me on the night of my Grandmothers Wake!! as pissed off as I was and felt nothing but rage for her doing so at a complete low point of my life and having to sit through the shock of it all;I feel bad for my actions saying things to hurt because it was a typical situation " I'm hurt and I want you to hurt with me" kinda thing,it was a short relationship that at first I didn't take seriously or jump into running cuz I've been burned so many times before.but I saw possiblities of being a long lasting one,she was the kind of girl I had always wanted;someone who I got along with very well.it wasn't til later as my head began to clear that I really regretted so much.Her Grandfather past away just days before my Grandmother and I know she was going through as much mental stress I was.Out of everyone I've dated (and I've even dated someone for 7 years), I think about her the most,..just feeling I had it all,and now its gone,and her memories of me are of being a selfish hurtful bastard for what I had said out of rage.
So from there,still went downhill,..weeks later I lost my job of 11 years due to Depression and not showing up.I couldnt keep a stable thought in my head,...just wake up and stare at the wall wondering "what do I do now"? I felt lost after losing my Gramma,I mean she raised me since I was 8 and was my everything til I was almost 30. so then after 2 months of only driving back and forth to and from the Hospital daily to see her,and I never noticed my license plates had expired,...got pulled over and oh look,..my insurance expired one week ago as well!,.. had to go to court, tried to explain why things were the way they were,.. they didnt care,they made me get SR22 insurance...from the court house I went straight to my insurance company,..told them what was going on,... signed some shit and thought it was all taken care of....
Welp,a month or so later went to pick up my drunk roommate at 6 am at someones house,I get pulled over for no front plate on my car....they look at my license and find out its been suspended! I got arrested and thrown in jail! why?,...my insurance agent never followed through with the SR22 insurance!,.. sooooo,.. I lost my license for 3 months,... 3 months sitting in the house,not being able to get to the gym,not being able to do much of anything at all.So THE DAY of my court date to get my license back,my foot begins to start swelling up!,..Hmm,. guess what? yes thats right,a fucking Blood Clot!!!! the moment I start to get some of my sanity back getting my license back, something else has to take its place! so I went a year of being in and out of the Hospital;not knowing if this thing is going to break loose and kill me at any given moment ( like Blood Clots do)
Dealing with that,one night while still dealing with the Blood Clot I slip on ice,dislocate my knee and tearing my LCL! (and STILL dealing with it to this day!) I was bedridden for 2 days before I could even feel stable enough to even swing it off the bed to even sit up,luckily my roommate had some crutches in the house and used those to prop myself up on.So one fucking thing after the next!!! when the fuck am I going to have a break from nonstop cycle of shit going on in my life!?!?! just as one thing gets better, something else is to follow!! after my Gramma past away my Cousin said to me after seeing all the tings I had to go through and do for my Gramma that "When one door closes,Another door opens",.. basically for everything bad that happens,something good is always to come,...welp,... I can tell you all those doors have been locked!! nothing but a string of events that seem never ending ( and I'm sure I'm forgetting most of them now)...
I've gotten to points of Suicide,took sleeping pills and alcohol on Thanksgiving of '06. and a few months ago had a melt down and locked myself in the bathroom.my roommate knows I've been dealing with Depression and had suspisions I was suicidal,..when I wouldnt answer him while sitting in the bathroom he unlocked the door to find me sitting on the toilet with blood dripping down my arm. I had begun to slice my arm,.. he either came at the right time or the wrong time depending on how you look at it,..I was trying to pshyc myself up enough to drag that razor from my forearm to my wrist,it wasnt the way I wanted to go seeing as though I'm a pussy when it comes to pain. He and I had a talk and it was the first time I had ever seen him cry,and I began to cry as we talked because I knew I was a friend he might lose.people tend to not think about the people around them when trying to commit suicide,.. just think about themselves and wanting to escape and find peace,even if that peace meant dying to let it all go.
I watched my life crumble since '05 'til now,...everything seems like such a blur to me,.. where did those 3 years go? how could I have been trapped in my own head and never had an opportunity to open my eyes to the world around me?,..instead I feel I've lost 3 years of my life that I don't even remember living.I've let my life turn to shit before my eyes and never once took notice everything would continue to get worse if I let it.took me 3 years to realize things will only get better only as long as I let it and work towards it instead blaming myself for letting myself and life down.My friends have known I'm not the same person they knew prior,..they could see I was in my own vortex of emotions,the person who used to make them laugh now sometimes never had a reason to even speak a few words to anyone.
I'm slowly taking actions on getting my life back,I'm sick of feeling worthless,feeling like my life will continue to keep getting worse and now know if I don't do anything about it,..it will! it takes your life hitting rock bottom before you can look back and feel I've lost everything,...accept it! I'm alive an thats all that matters. I finished reading a book a friend suggested "How to Practice : The Way to a Meaningful Life" by The Dalai Lama, it's really helped me look at life a different way...its all pretty relevant way of thinking but when you're so clouded with depression you really don't think about it...it's really helped me get out of an ongoing abuse on myself mentally and getting my mind cleared and ready for lifes new adventure. instead of feeling sorry for myself ; I'm doing something about it. started going out for walks ( to help shed the pounds I've gained from not being very mobile since the blood clot and knee injury and to strengthen my injured knee),.. I'm eating better ( thanks to Trader Joes ;) ) and just trying to live life a little more positive than I have,.. I can either sit and feel hopeless and watch time pass me by and that blur of 3 years that past that I don't remember will end up 20 years down the road and I'll wanna know what happened...I don't wanna live my life like that anymore.
why am I saying all this? who knows?,....do I want someone to feel sorry for me? no. Do I care if anyone reads this? not really,...but I think if I just get this out of my head and put away somewhere else I can help forget and move on and see life worth waking up another day to.Friends keep telling me " We want the old Cori back",..I'm just trying to atleast do it for them,..one small step at a time.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
temptation..
So,as usual as I'm about to check out...there lies the tempting "last minute" sweets at the check out counter.I give in to temptation,...looked good,..to my surprize,for some reason it tastes like smoked Salmon to me,..almost like smoked Salmon Sushi,..Maybe I'm just crazy
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
huh....
Someone actually thought Robert would make a nice name for a Robot,.. weird. Robert the Robot, thats like someone naming a dog - Jeff , Gary or Dave,..just sounds odd.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
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